[ Her heart nearly leaps into her throat, but she's quick to scramble off the bed and to the door. Reading only resulted in staring at the page until the words blurred together, and she ran through different scenarios in her head. She's practiced what she wants to say, but the only problem is, she doesn't know what he'll say in response, so this really does have to be played by ear.
Answering the door, her heart gives an excited flutter, as it always does when she sees him. It's still hard to believe they're together. Stepping forward, she kisses him lightly on the lips. ]
Come in. I'm sorry we don't have any seating for guests. Is sitting on the bed all right?
[ Once the door is closed behind them and she's seated herself, she waits for him to follow before taking his hand in hers. She loves touching him, and can't seem to stop. His hands, his face; it's like she has to make sure he's real. ]
I just wanted to talk to you about something. [ She pauses to take a deep breath, and starts bouncing her foot against the floor nervously. ] I thought... now that we're in a relationship, it would be a good idea to discuss, umm, well... to discuss intimacy, and our feelings on it... with each other.
[ She knows her face is flushed pink right now. She can feel the heat. ]
And how long we'd like to wait before we are intimate.
I know you won't. You aren't the kind of man who would.
[ She squeezes his hand affectionately. ]
But I was curious about how long you would want to wait. I enjoy kissing you so much, and I... like when things get heated too. So we could do, umm, some things? Just not, the, uhh...
[ She titters out a nervous laugh. ]
I sound so ridiculous. What I'm trying to say is that I only ever want to have sex with someone if I love them, and if I'm sure I can trust them. [ She swallows, her throat feeling a little dry. ] I've only been intimate with one person before... and it turns out I was wrong about him. I shouldn't have trusted him.
[Felix honestly feels so strange right now, because she seems so nervous over something that he's never felt was a big deal. He realizes that has much more to do with himself though, and that it's normal to care about this sort of thing. Somewhere, distantly, he's reminded that he's odd and different than what people expect him to be, but he doesn't want to dwell on that. He wants to reassure her. Slowly, he reaches out and takes her hands, holding them gently. He wants to calm her, to let her know he accepts her.]
This doesn't sound ridiculous. You're talking about your body. You have the right to set limitations about what happens to your body. You have a right to preferences and time tables.
There's no rush, all right? [Even if he is a Warden now, and they have no guarantee of tomorrow, rushing sounded like a miserable idea.] I would want you to be comfortable and I'm fine with waiting.
[ A part of her wishes she could tell others about this conversation. She won't, because it's private, but the things Felix says are so unlike what all of them in the south have been taught about how Tevinters act. He sees her as a person, for starters, but he knows she has rights and he respects them, and her.
She leans close, wearing a smile that is far less nervous now. ]
All right. Thank you for understanding.
[ Once more, she's reminded of heroes in romance novels when it comes to Felix. Or, well, some romance novels. Those have the gentleman always deferring to the lady's wants. The others are usually pirates who rip the woman's clothes straight off. That's kind of exciting too, actually, since the ladies in those books always love it. ]
But what about you? Is there anything you want to talk about concerning this? I want you to be comfortable too.
[Felix considers how to word this for a moment, because he wants her to understand that he's not just humoring her. He honestly just doesn't consider this sort of thing as too important. He'd enjoy it with her, and treasure her for sharing with him, but there isn't this burning need to fulfill like what other men might describe.]
I am comfortable. [That's a start, he thinks.] Honestly, what you're talking about, it's never really been something I need. I enjoy it, and I know if and when you're ready I'll be so pleased to be intimate that way with you, but it's not something I'm driving towards.
I'm not with you because I want that. I'm with you because I think you have a beautiful soul and are thoughtful about the world around you. That and you don't mind me talking about numbers around you, and you willingly learned math games. I couldn't even get Dorian to do that without some kind of remark. [That last part is a joke, and he offers her a small smile to show it.]
You... don't need that? [ Her expression and face are both a little confused because, well, she was under the impression that men needed it far more than women did. After all, she hasn't had sex in ten years. But it turns out this is another moment of naivety shining through.
Her eyes lower and she finds herself blushing again. Atlan always said sweet things, but after it was over, she realized it had just been a means to an end. A way to keep her happy so she'd keep having sex with him. But Felix... sounds like her. He cares about her for reasons that have nothing to do with the physical, just like she does with him. ]
This is new for me. [ It's murmured quietly, her chest feeling tight. ] I umm, I guard my heart closely, because I was... used before. He pretended to love me so I would keep sleeping with him, and he made me believe keeping our relationship a secret was a romantic thing, but that was so he could sleep with someone else behind my back too.
[ She sniffles and dabs at her nose with the back of her hand. She hates that ten years on, it still gets to her. ] I was seventeen. I was so naive. So stupid. I've learned from it, though.
[Felix feels this weird sort of anger towards this man who would use such a wonderful person, but he doesn't express it more than a soft frown and a tightening of his jaw. After all, he doesn't possess Ellana, it's not his job to rage about things from her past.
All he can do is to prove he won't be a repeat of that in her present.]
He sounds like a real piece of work. [He says, unable to hide all of his displeasure.] And having experienced that, I can understand why you're nervous about getting in with other man.
A man from Tevinter would add to it, I'd imagine. Given the reputation my countrymen have for treating elven women like property. [A small pause, as he reaches out and rubs her back a bit, just at the shoulders to comfort her.] I can promise I'm not like that, but actions matter far more than words. Just know I do not expect that of you, and will wait until you're ready.
[He can relate to feeling used for sex, though his story is much different. He might share that with her eventually, but now he wants to focus on her.]
[ She gives him a slightly lopsided smile, since she's just been thinking of his origins and how he's not like what the stereotype suggests. She sniffs back anymore potential tears and pauses to tuck her hair behind her ear before resting her fingertips against his chest. ]
You're already a far better man that he ever was. He's... gone now. I only discovered the deception after he died. [ Maybe she'd feel more closure if she could have confronted him about it. If she could have yelled and cried and ended things herself.
Her fingers stroke his shirt a moment, before she glances up into his eyes. ]
But you did say you enjoy sex, right? Is there anything I might do on accident that you wouldn't like? I mean like... touch you a certain way or something? [ She nibbles on her lower lip a moment. ] I'm sorry if I'm prying too much. I just don't want to do something wrong. Something you wouldn't like.
[Felix continues rubbing her shoulders because she seems so nervous and he wants to prove there is nothing to be frightened of.]
Oh no. Nothing really. [Another pause, as he considers how to word this.]
I've only had two lovers, one was another altus. It turned out she wanted me only to disturb her father - show the old man he couldn't control her by sleeping with a weak mage. It would have caused a scandal, if not for the way my parents smoothed things over. She's married now, and has a daughter of her own.
The other was a man in Orlais, I met him while studying. He showed me how to experience a lot things, and I enjoyed them. I just didn't need them, I enjoyed his friendship far more. I lost touch with him after I was Blighted, but I hear he published some poetry.
My point is that anything that you want to experience with me, I'm happy to do so but my experience is pretty limited to know more than that. If I'm uncomfortable at the time, I'll say so. I would hope that you feel comfortable doing the same? If I ever try something you don't like, just say so and I'll stop.
[ Her hand stills against his chest when he tells her of this woman who used him. Anyone who hurts Felix is a terrible person and hopefully the woman has grown since then to see how awful she was. Ellana swallows past the lump forming in her throat and continues to listen without interrupting. ]
All right. I will. I'm sorry I'm so-- [ She struggles for a word that can encompass how she's acting, and she lifts her hand to wriggle her fingers in the air, like they'll grasp the word she needs. ] Worried? Like I said, this is new to me. [ She pauses, considering him, before shifting a little more towards him to cup his face in her hands. ]
We were both treated poorly, but if those relationships hadn't ended, we wouldn't have this now. I wouldn't have someone who understands me so well.
[ She smiles faintly, thumbs brushing against his skin. ]
I like what we have now -- the kisses and the touching. I know someday, I'll want to share more. But it's not something I need to be happy either. I just need you as you are.
[ She doesn't need a strong mage, or an elf. She's already a bad Dalish, so she's never going to further the People by having Dalish babies. ]
[He offers her a small smile.] And I just need you as you are.
[That, at least, he knows to his core. He would be happy with just this. Anything additional is nice, but just being able to share anything with her is what matters most to him.]
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blightedson) wrote2015-10-04 10:32 pm
no subject
Answering the door, her heart gives an excited flutter, as it always does when she sees him. It's still hard to believe they're together. Stepping forward, she kisses him lightly on the lips. ]
Come in. I'm sorry we don't have any seating for guests. Is sitting on the bed all right?
no subject
[He honestly can't handle how beautiful she is. He feels stunned by it, every time he sees her.]
Of course. [He moves over to her bed, lets her sit down first.] Is everything all right?
no subject
[ Once the door is closed behind them and she's seated herself, she waits for him to follow before taking his hand in hers. She loves touching him, and can't seem to stop. His hands, his face; it's like she has to make sure he's real. ]
I just wanted to talk to you about something. [ She pauses to take a deep breath, and starts bouncing her foot against the floor nervously. ] I thought... now that we're in a relationship, it would be a good idea to discuss, umm, well... to discuss intimacy, and our feelings on it... with each other.
[ She knows her face is flushed pink right now. She can feel the heat. ]
And how long we'd like to wait before we are intimate.
no subject
[This thought seems to have never even occurred to him. He blinks, surprised.]
Oh, yes. I suppose we should.
Are you... worried about it? I won't pressure you to do anything.
no subject
[ She squeezes his hand affectionately. ]
But I was curious about how long you would want to wait. I enjoy kissing you so much, and I... like when things get heated too. So we could do, umm, some things? Just not, the, uhh...
[ She titters out a nervous laugh. ]
I sound so ridiculous. What I'm trying to say is that I only ever want to have sex with someone if I love them, and if I'm sure I can trust them. [ She swallows, her throat feeling a little dry. ] I've only been intimate with one person before... and it turns out I was wrong about him. I shouldn't have trusted him.
no subject
This doesn't sound ridiculous. You're talking about your body. You have the right to set limitations about what happens to your body. You have a right to preferences and time tables.
There's no rush, all right? [Even if he is a Warden now, and they have no guarantee of tomorrow, rushing sounded like a miserable idea.] I would want you to be comfortable and I'm fine with waiting.
no subject
She leans close, wearing a smile that is far less nervous now. ]
All right. Thank you for understanding.
[ Once more, she's reminded of heroes in romance novels when it comes to Felix. Or, well, some romance novels. Those have the gentleman always deferring to the lady's wants. The others are usually pirates who rip the woman's clothes straight off. That's kind of exciting too, actually, since the ladies in those books always love it. ]
But what about you? Is there anything you want to talk about concerning this? I want you to be comfortable too.
no subject
I am comfortable. [That's a start, he thinks.] Honestly, what you're talking about, it's never really been something I need. I enjoy it, and I know if and when you're ready I'll be so pleased to be intimate that way with you, but it's not something I'm driving towards.
I'm not with you because I want that. I'm with you because I think you have a beautiful soul and are thoughtful about the world around you. That and you don't mind me talking about numbers around you, and you willingly learned math games. I couldn't even get Dorian to do that without some kind of remark. [That last part is a joke, and he offers her a small smile to show it.]
no subject
Her eyes lower and she finds herself blushing again. Atlan always said sweet things, but after it was over, she realized it had just been a means to an end. A way to keep her happy so she'd keep having sex with him. But Felix... sounds like her. He cares about her for reasons that have nothing to do with the physical, just like she does with him. ]
This is new for me. [ It's murmured quietly, her chest feeling tight. ] I umm, I guard my heart closely, because I was... used before. He pretended to love me so I would keep sleeping with him, and he made me believe keeping our relationship a secret was a romantic thing, but that was so he could sleep with someone else behind my back too.
[ She sniffles and dabs at her nose with the back of her hand. She hates that ten years on, it still gets to her. ] I was seventeen. I was so naive. So stupid. I've learned from it, though.
no subject
All he can do is to prove he won't be a repeat of that in her present.]
He sounds like a real piece of work. [He says, unable to hide all of his displeasure.] And having experienced that, I can understand why you're nervous about getting in with other man.
A man from Tevinter would add to it, I'd imagine. Given the reputation my countrymen have for treating elven women like property. [A small pause, as he reaches out and rubs her back a bit, just at the shoulders to comfort her.] I can promise I'm not like that, but actions matter far more than words. Just know I do not expect that of you, and will wait until you're ready.
[He can relate to feeling used for sex, though his story is much different. He might share that with her eventually, but now he wants to focus on her.]
no subject
You're already a far better man that he ever was. He's... gone now. I only discovered the deception after he died. [ Maybe she'd feel more closure if she could have confronted him about it. If she could have yelled and cried and ended things herself.
Her fingers stroke his shirt a moment, before she glances up into his eyes. ]
But you did say you enjoy sex, right? Is there anything I might do on accident that you wouldn't like? I mean like... touch you a certain way or something? [ She nibbles on her lower lip a moment. ] I'm sorry if I'm prying too much. I just don't want to do something wrong. Something you wouldn't like.
no subject
Oh no. Nothing really. [Another pause, as he considers how to word this.]
I've only had two lovers, one was another altus. It turned out she wanted me only to disturb her father - show the old man he couldn't control her by sleeping with a weak mage. It would have caused a scandal, if not for the way my parents smoothed things over. She's married now, and has a daughter of her own.
The other was a man in Orlais, I met him while studying. He showed me how to experience a lot things, and I enjoyed them. I just didn't need them, I enjoyed his friendship far more. I lost touch with him after I was Blighted, but I hear he published some poetry.
My point is that anything that you want to experience with me, I'm happy to do so but my experience is pretty limited to know more than that. If I'm uncomfortable at the time, I'll say so. I would hope that you feel comfortable doing the same? If I ever try something you don't like, just say so and I'll stop.
no subject
All right. I will. I'm sorry I'm so-- [ She struggles for a word that can encompass how she's acting, and she lifts her hand to wriggle her fingers in the air, like they'll grasp the word she needs. ] Worried? Like I said, this is new to me. [ She pauses, considering him, before shifting a little more towards him to cup his face in her hands. ]
We were both treated poorly, but if those relationships hadn't ended, we wouldn't have this now. I wouldn't have someone who understands me so well.
[ She smiles faintly, thumbs brushing against his skin. ]
I like what we have now -- the kisses and the touching. I know someday, I'll want to share more. But it's not something I need to be happy either. I just need you as you are.
[ She doesn't need a strong mage, or an elf. She's already a bad Dalish, so she's never going to further the People by having Dalish babies. ]
no subject
[That, at least, he knows to his core. He would be happy with just this. Anything additional is nice, but just being able to share anything with her is what matters most to him.]
no subject
Now it seems silly to have been so nervous telling you my feelings on this.
no subject
No, it was understandable why you were nervous. This is such a personal subject.
Just know that I'm always here to talk.
no subject
And you know you can do the same with me, right? Whenever you want.
[ She lowers her hands back to her lap and scrunches up her face in a teasing look. ]
Though I may be a little slow to answer in the hours before dawn.